Healing from Abuse: Where Hope Lives
I’ve been thinking about the challenge of healing from abuse. When we experience abuse we are often left questioning our reality and we live in fear, even if we are sometimes unable to recognize it until we are safely out of our abusive relationship. Our hope is often tied to “getting it right”; If we just say or do the right thing we will not experience the abuse, be it emotional, physical, or verbal. The distortion of our reality comes from the power and control dynamics perpetrated on us by our abusive partner. Power and control dynamics work to destabilize. For example, “if you had not said or done that, I would not have had to hit you.” Or, “you are lucky I love you because no one else would.” Words like these coming from a person who is supposed to love us can be internalized. We seek to please our partners and can find ourselves jumping through hoop after hoop and still not “getting it right.” And then comes the love and affection we have been craving: The hook. Our partner suddenly changes the dynamics to pull us back in.
The cycle goes ’round and ’round leaving us not knowing when the other shoe will drop. We walk on eggshells. Our hope has been misdirected toward survival of the abuse and we lose sight of basic fundamental rights. Listed below are a few rights often lost in an abusive relationship:
You have the right to express your opinions, ideas and thoughts without fear of punishment or retribution
You have a right to feel and be safe in your home
You have a right to have needs and express your feelings
You have a right to be heard and valued
You have a right to say no, always
You have the right to walk away from anything that does not serve you
We can lose sight of these fundamental rights as time goes by. It is really hard to regain our balance after experiencing abuse. But, it is possible. Finding a counselor who understands the dynamics of abuse and how it impacts a survivor is a great place to start. You can begin the unravelling of what you have internalized versus what is your truth. You can slowly find your voice and find safety again. It is not an easy process, but freedom is at the other end. That is where hope lives.
